I’ve been doing my best to regulate. I’ve been trying to ignore the loneliness and overthinking. I’ve been trying. I’m not doing all that great of a job, I have to say. Sure, we’re physically safe, but I don’t feel safe. And not being physically safe for some reason sounds better than being so.
I need interaction! No. I need love. I’ve been seeing it so much lately- I need to feel loved (not romantically). We’re really missing that. Had it and lost it. We’d been doing a fairly decent job of seeing how other people were filling that need in a way, but we seem to have lost that ability. Now we can see people showing niceness, but not love. Part of it though is craving the physical side of things. Not romantic, again, but touch in general. We aren’t super fond of being touched randomly and I think that seeps out of our pores because no one ever offers any sort of touch at all. And it hurts.
This morning is full of others just out of reach of the front, but the body reacting as though it wants to switch. My head is loud and twitchy and I can’t help but continuously reaching up to hold my head as though it will roll off if I don’t.
Sitting here feeling utterly alone. Things are different this year. They just are. For years my Mom has been yanking me along on the holiday train making sure I don’t wallow too much… this year she is wallowing and I want to spread the cheer a little but am too shy to ask for help and too sad to do it on my own. The on my own thing is what sets off the grief so bad. Kiddo had been yanking me along, but she stepped back after seeing the EMDR lady last week and I am left this week on my own.
I’ll sit here long enough to get through the second cup of coffee and tolerate this feeling until then. When the coffee’s gone it’s time to pack up the anxiety and feel something else.
I know I should get myself up from this chair and get going in hopes that movement will help the anxiety fall away, but I’m just not ready to start the day like that yet. So instead my head is spinning and my heart is fluttering and my chest is hollow. I know these are all signs of a disaster in the making, I do know that… but I slept in again and my day is still just starting. I do have a bad feeling about this though.
Therapy was ok. Not bad. Not unproductive. Just not super connecting. But still better than I feared. Anxiety is really high even still though. And someone has the need to regulate it through SH which I am trying to avoid. I hate that SH is the go-to for some inside. Don’t like an emotion- regulate it through SH. Even with all the skills I have it’s still hard when a good deal of the others do not have them.
The T seemed pleased with the little bit we told him about the dark group and their softening. I don’t think he really gets some of what was said though. And I had a hard time further elaborating because I was being so closely monitored by them. They were so close, but also had stepped back to allow me to get myself in trouble if I so chose.
I didn’t choose that route though. Not at all. I played the game and kept to the preapproved script for the most part. I was cautious and I think that’s why I feel kinda off now. I wanted to say so much more and didn’t feel able.
I have never seen the dark group care so much. Not just care about a subject or whatever, but actually care about welfare and how we are all affected (themselves specifically). I have never seen their protective nature in quite this same way before. I disagree with their manner of going about seeking safety, but, BUT it warms my heart to see them have any interest in anything besides making us stay in pain (which is ultimately what we have been told is their goal). Somehow, for some unknown reason, they are coming around. Our end goals are beginning to look similar.
I cannot seem to keep my nervousness in check today. The dark group is so close, so aware, they need something , but have warned me against saying what we need to those who could help. They are testing the waters and as mundane as that sounds, it’s pissing me off.