The brain is all awhir this morning, but not yet making much sense. It’s stuck like a record player on a scratch, setting and resetting itself to replay the same small thoughts over and over again, blowing them out of proportion and making my head scream.
Monday begins and though there is excitement at the new schedule of therapy, there is also apprehension as well. It will different. Hopefully in a better way, true, but different just the same- and we don’t wear change well.
I have got to figure out a way to get more coffee into me.
Last night I sat and looked at the weather forecast and scoffed that it said it would be partly cloudy for the coming two days before serious clouds and possible rain roll in. I figured it would be a lie and I would wake up to blue skies today yet again. But nope, wispy white clouds are spread eagle across a good portion of the sky. Weird. That small difference and the heaviness and acute sting of memories has diminished significantly.
So, based on that, a good sunday morning to you and pass the coffee.
Hell, we’re highly unstable with a cup of coffee- but it helps.
Thursday is finally here. Thursday and EMDR. Thursday and this damnedable week is nearly over. My body is still jumping around reacting to a danger 35 some odd years old.
There’s a slightly twisted gratefulness in still having all these physical trauma response manifestations still occuring – I hate reporting something only to have it go away and not be seen by the people who are supposed to be able to help. The weirdness is pretty intense over here, the EMDR lady needs to be given the opportunity to understand just how uncomfortable it is.
Next hurdle is my allowing her to fully see it. I am so good at hiding, so good at pulling it together so others don’t know how fucked up things really are. So good at pretending, only to have it spill out the second I am alone or a person looks away. We want help. I have to remember that- we want help.
Monday is upon us and I am feeling it’s great weight already. This process of saying goodbye is necessary, but painful.
At the moment things seem bleak and conversations others have had are running on shuffle and repeat in my brain. I despise not being able to have asked my own questions since the others most often did not.
I can feel that I am gripping the front with an iron fist, yet saying I want relief from others. There is so much fear in the freedom some of the others have to express feelings.
And there are feelings. Lots of them. Some not entirely my own, but plenty that are. I too have spent countless hours with the T. Poured out emotion and sorrow. This is a huge loss. And yet still the right one to make.
And part of me just wants it to be over. And another part wants it to go on forever.
Maybe a second cup of coffee will bring it all together, but right now I feel like today is an extension of yesterday.
It’s been a long week with a lot of anxiety and it feels like I could use about a year of sleep to catch up. Lately we have been relying almost entirely on caffeine intake to get us through the days. I suspect today will be no exception.
There are too many conflicting emotions this morning. I feel like someone is randomly throwing darts at a board covered in emotions and not stopping to read or really feel the emotion before throwing the next dart. Unfortunately, most of what’s being hit at this point isn’t pleasant. There is an underlying need to fuck everything up no matter what the overall opinion is.
Look Closer: DID and SH 