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Very nervous. The dark group is being encouraged to voice their own concerns in therapy today. Like a we aren’t gonna do it for you decision has been made. A go there and tell her you are unhappy about the potential for secrets to be shared yourself declaration has been made.

 

Typically we do their bidding, say their piece, make known their wishes without too much of a fight. Typically we don’t want them out, don’t want them making a mess of things, don’t want them snarling sinisterly at people. Typically.

 

But the EMDR lady, like the T before her, has made it known that she would like to talk to them. Isn’t afraid of them. Isn’t going to hold it against the rest of us. But also, unlike the T before her, that she wants to thank them, and *honor their opinions and decisions/not step on their toes*. She has already said that secrets can be kept until a time they deem it ok to share them. They, naturally, don’t believe she will stick to this. Also, they now want every secret ever told back in the vault. They are gathering them one by one and sweeping them into a pile to store all over again.

 

The EMDR lady did say she didn’t expect them to want to keep secrets that had already been talked through when she said it, but I think she is now getting the idea that isn’t how they took it. They are not kidding. They take the job of guarding and keeping secrets very seriously. She gave them some power and they are testing the waters to see if she ends up regretting her decision and going back on it. I’d say this is a crucial time, but that would be an understatement.

How low can you go

There is a serious need for extra sleep all of the sudden. Like the body hit a brick wall and wants to sleep it off or something. Maybe all the body jumping and shaking has taken more energy than I realized. Whatever the cause it’s intense and I stopped and got coffee on the way home from EMDR in hopes of artificially jumpstarting the body.

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The intense need to cry and grieve, and the inability to do so, continues. There is so much emotion packed into the body and it feels like it’s ready to burst… but doesn’t. The body memories have subsided slightly and now I also I find myself extremely low and very tired. Which is making me more mindful of the way the body is reacting and I can see that actually it’s that AJ is close that has the body slowing down a little.

She’s hiding in the shadows. We were talking about her with the EMDR lady and I guess AJ’s responding to that. I guess. She seems… curious… about what the EMDR lady was saying… about there being other ways to regulate. About her getting attention in the near future. About her being heard. The EMDR lady said she was sorry that AJ is hurting so much and it seems she heard her. And now she wants a turn to explain. To hear. To listen.

This is a good thing. A very good thing.

AJ is hard to engage and now she is interested and wants time in a session. The downside is how chronically depressed she is and her being close to the surface leaks through to the front. I feel slow and sluggish. Like time isn’t moving and staring off is the best use of time ever. It hurts. She hurts.

Yeah, that didn’t happen

It’s been a lousy day.  I’ve tried to do things right. I’ve really really tried. I woke up and went for a walk with a friend despite all the half spitting, head shaking, grunting, whining, nose/mouth scrunching, eye rolling, flapping, air blowing, etc. And I wasn’t able to totally suppress all the symptoms. But I was vulnerable with her and said I was struggling. I kept my head down and watched my feet and walked.

I took the meds fairly close to on time. I ate despite not wanting to. I dyed the hair (an odd, but highly effective coping skill for watching read go down the drain). I took a long shower and tried to soak up the warm water to ground us. I put on a meaningful fuzzy robe and tied it tight to help with self soothing and senses. I filled out mood charts and apps trying to head off the feels. None of it was effective.

Not only do I still feel horrible, but it was unsafe to boot. So screw coping. Screw coping ahead. Screw being mindful. Screw trying to do it right when it all goes down the damn drain in seconds.

 

The only plus this morning is figuring out something almost pointless to know because I doubt I will be able to tell anyone.

 

LT reached out to the EMDR lady Monday when things were just as bad as they are now and then I did later in the day as well. She asked what was needed by those that were hurting. I sat for a long time trying to come up with the answer and came up nearly empty handed other than we needed to feel cared for – in the form of wanting to climb into a lap and be held (but were too shy to say as much).

 

At this point I will go so far as to say that I think I have figured out what is needed. Safety. We need to feel safe. Not in the now, in the then. I would venture to say that while the flashbacks have been emotional and somatic for me, they are visual for someone inside and who ever it is really wants to have been kept safe. And that is the last thing that happened.

1984

My eyes are burning. The little tears are so much more than I can handle.

Today can go to hell. The emotional flashbacks still have not backed down and therapy didn’t help at all. That’s likely because therapy wasn’t therapy so much as more preparing to say goodbye.

One week left.

The plus is that at least Evin got the meds into us finally. We really needed to take them on time on a day like this.

Memories are lining up at the door in my mind. And so it begins.

Well, fuck

I hadn’t posted any update here today yet because I was taught that if you don’t have something nice to say to not say anything at all. And I was trying to be positive and nice.

 

Well, fuck that. My attitude is crap. Utter crap. And Kaynen is pushing saying he can take over and feel the shit for a while, but I’m trying to be ok. I really am. I’m stubborn and want to do it myself.

 

But it’s blue. The sky is blue. And there are no clouds. And the air is getting warm. And there are only 2 appointments left and one of them is today. And summer is too damn close and spring break might as well be right this fucking second because I am being hit with emotional flashbacks from every angle. The pictures aren’t with them which I suppose I should be grateful for, but in this exact moment I am grateful for nothing. My head is way too full, I feel like there is too much internal stimulation for me to make much sense, the body is jumping and jiving all over the place in response to the weather, the mind is spinning stories I don’t want any part of, and breathing naturally is an exercise in futility.

 

To those of you who have never seen us go through a spring/summer, buckle up, bitches, it begins now.

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Going back and looking at all that Kiddo shared here and other places makes me a little sad. She’s 7. In an adult body. She doesn’t fit in anywhere except with other multiples. None of the kids do. And she wants to.

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My head hurts- too much inside. Between Kiddo taking off the glasses and switching headaches in general it’s really throbbing.

Kiddo, having had her chance to be out some, finally gave back up the front when she couldn’t find any food she wanted to eat (and neither could Donut who followed, lol!). We need to go grocery shopping for kid friendly food- noted.

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gess wat. gess!

we gun get to fli owr kyt in 10 daas wif the T. he guna go to da parc wif us an fli it. is shapd lyk a aarplaan an we gun tri to mak it fli. she saa it mit not be windee enuf for it to go up in the ski tho. -kiddo

Oops!

Anxious!! Not so much bad as just anticipatory. Like what happens next and we hope it’s good, but fear it won’t be.

There is so much in our head that we can’t tease it all out to make sense of any of it. There is both a lightness and an intense heaviness to the feels this morning.

We know there are only two more appointments with the T. And that relationship ending hurts… a lot… and we want to commemorate it somehow, but can’t quite figure out how to do it. And we are finding that incredibly frustrating.

But the flipside of that same coin is that there is a growing attachment to the EMDR lady; faster than there ever was with the T. And maybe the T is right, maybe it’s partly because she is female and he is male and so there is a different type of attachment unfolding with her. The T said Monday that he was surprised he ever got as close to us as he did being male- males, in our experience, aren’t safe. Most specifically Evin and Callan’s experiences. And yet, both of them grew to trust the T.

Yet the bond that is already forming between the EMDR lady and everyone inside is so much more intense than I can describe. They definitely don’t trust her fully yet, but there is that potential – already. And actually it’s a little scary. Ok, more than a little.

How can someone so new to us (5 days shy of 4 months) be so important already? This system struggles with trust. We take everything very slow because trust is earned, not given. But she is important already. And she is definitely earning our trust. Quickly! Very quickly! Too quickly?

Hmm, I don’t like that particular thought. Too quickly… like we could get hurt too easily? Like if we aren’t careful she will crush us. Like we need to slow it down and put on the brakes… and with that I can feel BB doing just that. She watches everything, she protects in her way – and I just triggered her to note how easily we could be hurt… shit.

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Gooooooood Morning!

We are in quite a good mood. Yesterday was definitely worth repeating and we’re all about trying to make that happen today.

We just submitted our application for a local art event and are looking forward to participating for the second year in a row, but this time in a dual capacity. Art is so very important to us- we find it’s creation insanely calming, but have fallen away from creating as of late. We’re hoping that participation in this event will jumpstart some of our creative juices again.

We’re still waiting on details from the tattoo guy, but even still Kaynen is grinning ear to ear about having been chosen. When submitting the form to contact the artist we had been unaware that it was an application process- some people were not chosen to be worked with, and Kaynen is quite proud of himself for having shared as much as he did because he insists it’s why the artist agreed to work with us. He might be right. I’m still a little uneasy about his having put the DID out there so freely, but it’s too late to take it back now.