DID

Are you sure, lady?

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And I actually think it will be.

Today’s session with the EMDR lady is a testament to why we are making this therapist change. Growing pains are normal, but ouch they hurt.

Evin went in grumpy and refusing to talk and came out a bit calmer having said quite a lot. He got all but maybe 5 minutes of the session.

Evin did such a good job. He told her most of his big dark reasons for feeling hopeless and as sad as he is. She shared a small bit of her life with him to show she did get his sorrow. He listened as she gave him an idea for how to help alleviate some of his pain and he had no problem telling her he didn’t like the idea (he usually holds on to that for a while and perseverates before saying he isn’t willing to try an idea). He told her he barely knows her. She didn’t try to convince him otherwise. She said she was looking forward to getting to know him if he would allow it.

And then she said something that made it through the entirety of the system- Evin told her he isn’t supposed to tell the secrets according to a certain group inside. She asked if he gets in trouble when he does. He nodded. She said she doesn’t want to hear the secrets from him until he has permission to share them.

Boom.

Mic drop.

That simple statement spread like a wildfire.

And the EMDR lady addressed LT who had written her a very brief letter about boundaries saying she would wait a week for the answer since it was Evin who needed attention today. She made a point of answering LT’s question anyway. Not a discussion, just a simple answer that can be expounded on next week. Small things.

The truth

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I can’t help but wonder, seeing Evin’s reactions, if switching T’s is the right thing to do any more. The depth of his sadness… I’m doing that to him. We all are. We are asking him to be that sad by asking him to give up the only person he talks to on a regular basis. The T and Evin have been through so much together- I can’t even begin to decipher how many countless sobbing hours Evin has spent with the T. How many times Evin has crossed his arms and refused to go on. How many times the T has sat with him and given him space to work it out and keep going. How many times Evin has scrambled to the front to see the T and how many times he has sat in a dark corner, refusing to come out.

Before therapy yesterday Evin let me in on what he is most afraid of/upset by in this transition and I was surprised. He’s really thought this through. And although he doesn’t want to lose his “friend” that isn’t what he is most concerned about in the big picture. And it isn’t that he will have no one to talk to or no one who cares. It’s much more primitive than that. And boy was the EMDR lady spot on when she was talking about how important attachment is for the young ones. Because that has a lot to do with it. I’m not going to let his secret out, that’s not mine to tell, but I will say he has the task of telling the EMDR lady what he is so afraid of come Thursday.

And he’s already saying he won’t talk to her and won’t tell her and she doesn’t care. But I don’t think that isn’t what he really believes because when things got really bad last night and Evin was set on doing things we would not have recovered from, he was directed to tell her first and that stopped him in his tracks. There is a connection there. There is.

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The eyes are burning from all the little tears in therapy. Evin got his session, but he struggled. Struggled so much. So so much. And he’s still struggling. What he wants is to climb into a lap and be embraced and held. It’s also something he can’t have. We have no one to do that with anymore and he knows it. Even more than that he knows that when we say goodbye to the T he will have no one who really knows him. Not like the T knows him. Not like that. 😭

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Well, we got two more hours of sleep in for a total of 6 1/2. Better than the night before, but not very good considering we went to bed before shortly after 8pm yesterday.

Anxiety is kicking my ass in this process and we finally made the decision to attend the doctor appointment today we set up to see if we could get a hand with it. We weren’t 100% certain we would follow through with it, but yeah, I think we will. We can be given a prescription and still not take it. I’m so stubborn and so afraid of benzos that that may end up being precisely what happens. But at least it would then be in our control- we’d have the option.

I feel myself wanting to control every aspect of this- not wanting to feel anything when it’s “inconvenient”. I feel like a curious cat batting this decision and all the feelings around the kitchen floor like a half dead mouse. I’m not ready to let it go just yet. It has life in it still and I must conquer it.

Like maybe if I can wrap my head around it and understand the feelings and process I can control it. Then I remember this isn’t just about me. Especially not today. And this was our decision. Nobody did this to us. We can even undo it if we so see fit.

Today is Evn’s day though. Today he gets to say he’s hurting with the loss. Today he gets all the attention. And today, it seems, I get jealous.