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Very nervous. The dark group is being encouraged to voice their own concerns in therapy today. Like a we aren’t gonna do it for you decision has been made. A go there and tell her you are unhappy about the potential for secrets to be shared yourself declaration has been made.

 

Typically we do their bidding, say their piece, make known their wishes without too much of a fight. Typically we don’t want them out, don’t want them making a mess of things, don’t want them snarling sinisterly at people. Typically.

 

But the EMDR lady, like the T before her, has made it known that she would like to talk to them. Isn’t afraid of them. Isn’t going to hold it against the rest of us. But also, unlike the T before her, that she wants to thank them, and *honor their opinions and decisions/not step on their toes*. She has already said that secrets can be kept until a time they deem it ok to share them. They, naturally, don’t believe she will stick to this. Also, they now want every secret ever told back in the vault. They are gathering them one by one and sweeping them into a pile to store all over again.

 

The EMDR lady did say she didn’t expect them to want to keep secrets that had already been talked through when she said it, but I think she is now getting the idea that isn’t how they took it. They are not kidding. They take the job of guarding and keeping secrets very seriously. She gave them some power and they are testing the waters to see if she ends up regretting her decision and going back on it. I’d say this is a crucial time, but that would be an understatement.

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Extra anxious tonight. And feeling particularly vulnerable for an unknown reason since nothing vulnerable has been done. But it feels like tears are close and want to fall. The need to hide ourselves is huge. And, too, is the need to be more real than ever before.

I can feel that inside there are a lot of thoughts happening I am not consciously privy to… and maybe that’s a good thing. As they run past and gain brief awareness they seem bigger and more pressing than I can really tolerate being in my awareness.

I’m feeling more and more like the body is a switchboard of emotions and others all being plugged in and connected briefly before being unplugged and plugged in somewhere else. I don’t feel solid in the body one bit.

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I’m sitting here torn in different directions by those inside and I can’t really figure out what *I* feel and really need.

 

Evin’s sad and scared and getting spun out by LT’s insistence we ask a question that the darker group says we can’t ask – ever. But it’s an important question. A stupid question. And it holds very little significance. And shouldn’t be so damn hard. But it is. Oh boy is it. Evin wants to be read to as a way to seek comfort and familiarity.

 

I think he may have piqued Kiddo’s interest with that idea and Kiddo is finally moving toward the front very slowly. She’s being cautious and has good reason to be. We want to talk to her very much… she just wants to be read to. She seems very conflicted with her emotions as well. On the one hand she is super sad to not have the T anymore, but her underlying nature of happy and carefree is making it really hard for her to feel sadness and actually process the emotions she is harboring.

 

Then there’s AJ and her depression that sits so heavy and pulls me down to the ground. As she moves closer I can feel the enormity of her presence getting closer and closer.

 

In the background is Kelsa cackling snarkily. She is happy to point out that the safety for the last few days has been an illusion because we are “owed” pain and suffering for several reasons deemed infractions to the deal of staying alive. As far as she is concerned, we are alive because she allowed it and she can equally as easily take it away.

 

Then there’s LT with her insistence we ask a question we aren’t allowed to ask. She says there will be a sense of accomplishment and a freeing if we can ask it… but we aren’t allowed to ask it and I can’t see beyond that like she can. Then again, she doesn’t have to deal with the after effects of asking things we aren’t allowed to ask so maybe it doesn’t make sense to her how big a deal it is.

 

But what do I feel? I am sharing and aiding in all these emotions (and there’s more too), but what do I feel? What do I need? What would make today easier for me? I don’t know.

How low can you go

There is a serious need for extra sleep all of the sudden. Like the body hit a brick wall and wants to sleep it off or something. Maybe all the body jumping and shaking has taken more energy than I realized. Whatever the cause it’s intense and I stopped and got coffee on the way home from EMDR in hopes of artificially jumpstarting the body.

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The intense need to cry and grieve, and the inability to do so, continues. There is so much emotion packed into the body and it feels like it’s ready to burst… but doesn’t. The body memories have subsided slightly and now I also I find myself extremely low and very tired. Which is making me more mindful of the way the body is reacting and I can see that actually it’s that AJ is close that has the body slowing down a little.

She’s hiding in the shadows. We were talking about her with the EMDR lady and I guess AJ’s responding to that. I guess. She seems… curious… about what the EMDR lady was saying… about there being other ways to regulate. About her getting attention in the near future. About her being heard. The EMDR lady said she was sorry that AJ is hurting so much and it seems she heard her. And now she wants a turn to explain. To hear. To listen.

This is a good thing. A very good thing.

AJ is hard to engage and now she is interested and wants time in a session. The downside is how chronically depressed she is and her being close to the surface leaks through to the front. I feel slow and sluggish. Like time isn’t moving and staring off is the best use of time ever. It hurts. She hurts.

Yeah, that didn’t happen

It’s been a lousy day.  I’ve tried to do things right. I’ve really really tried. I woke up and went for a walk with a friend despite all the half spitting, head shaking, grunting, whining, nose/mouth scrunching, eye rolling, flapping, air blowing, etc. And I wasn’t able to totally suppress all the symptoms. But I was vulnerable with her and said I was struggling. I kept my head down and watched my feet and walked.

I took the meds fairly close to on time. I ate despite not wanting to. I dyed the hair (an odd, but highly effective coping skill for watching read go down the drain). I took a long shower and tried to soak up the warm water to ground us. I put on a meaningful fuzzy robe and tied it tight to help with self soothing and senses. I filled out mood charts and apps trying to head off the feels. None of it was effective.

Not only do I still feel horrible, but it was unsafe to boot. So screw coping. Screw coping ahead. Screw being mindful. Screw trying to do it right when it all goes down the damn drain in seconds.

 

The only plus this morning is figuring out something almost pointless to know because I doubt I will be able to tell anyone.

 

LT reached out to the EMDR lady Monday when things were just as bad as they are now and then I did later in the day as well. She asked what was needed by those that were hurting. I sat for a long time trying to come up with the answer and came up nearly empty handed other than we needed to feel cared for – in the form of wanting to climb into a lap and be held (but were too shy to say as much).

 

At this point I will go so far as to say that I think I have figured out what is needed. Safety. We need to feel safe. Not in the now, in the then. I would venture to say that while the flashbacks have been emotional and somatic for me, they are visual for someone inside and who ever it is really wants to have been kept safe. And that is the last thing that happened.

1984

My eyes are burning. The little tears are so much more than I can handle.

Today can go to hell. The emotional flashbacks still have not backed down and therapy didn’t help at all. That’s likely because therapy wasn’t therapy so much as more preparing to say goodbye.

One week left.

The plus is that at least Evin got the meds into us finally. We really needed to take them on time on a day like this.

Memories are lining up at the door in my mind. And so it begins.

Well, fuck

I hadn’t posted any update here today yet because I was taught that if you don’t have something nice to say to not say anything at all. And I was trying to be positive and nice.

 

Well, fuck that. My attitude is crap. Utter crap. And Kaynen is pushing saying he can take over and feel the shit for a while, but I’m trying to be ok. I really am. I’m stubborn and want to do it myself.

 

But it’s blue. The sky is blue. And there are no clouds. And the air is getting warm. And there are only 2 appointments left and one of them is today. And summer is too damn close and spring break might as well be right this fucking second because I am being hit with emotional flashbacks from every angle. The pictures aren’t with them which I suppose I should be grateful for, but in this exact moment I am grateful for nothing. My head is way too full, I feel like there is too much internal stimulation for me to make much sense, the body is jumping and jiving all over the place in response to the weather, the mind is spinning stories I don’t want any part of, and breathing naturally is an exercise in futility.

 

To those of you who have never seen us go through a spring/summer, buckle up, bitches, it begins now.

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Going back and looking at all that Kiddo shared here and other places makes me a little sad. She’s 7. In an adult body. She doesn’t fit in anywhere except with other multiples. None of the kids do. And she wants to.

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My head hurts- too much inside. Between Kiddo taking off the glasses and switching headaches in general it’s really throbbing.

Kiddo, having had her chance to be out some, finally gave back up the front when she couldn’t find any food she wanted to eat (and neither could Donut who followed, lol!). We need to go grocery shopping for kid friendly food- noted.

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gess wat. gess!

we gun get to fli owr kyt in 10 daas wif the T. he guna go to da parc wif us an fli it. is shapd lyk a aarplaan an we gun tri to mak it fli. she saa it mit not be windee enuf for it to go up in the ski tho. -kiddo