I’m sitting here torn in different directions by those inside and I can’t really figure out what *I* feel and really need.

 

Evin’s sad and scared and getting spun out by LT’s insistence we ask a question that the darker group says we can’t ask – ever. But it’s an important question. A stupid question. And it holds very little significance. And shouldn’t be so damn hard. But it is. Oh boy is it. Evin wants to be read to as a way to seek comfort and familiarity.

 

I think he may have piqued Kiddo’s interest with that idea and Kiddo is finally moving toward the front very slowly. She’s being cautious and has good reason to be. We want to talk to her very much… she just wants to be read to. She seems very conflicted with her emotions as well. On the one hand she is super sad to not have the T anymore, but her underlying nature of happy and carefree is making it really hard for her to feel sadness and actually process the emotions she is harboring.

 

Then there’s AJ and her depression that sits so heavy and pulls me down to the ground. As she moves closer I can feel the enormity of her presence getting closer and closer.

 

In the background is Kelsa cackling snarkily. She is happy to point out that the safety for the last few days has been an illusion because we are “owed” pain and suffering for several reasons deemed infractions to the deal of staying alive. As far as she is concerned, we are alive because she allowed it and she can equally as easily take it away.

 

Then there’s LT with her insistence we ask a question we aren’t allowed to ask. She says there will be a sense of accomplishment and a freeing if we can ask it… but we aren’t allowed to ask it and I can’t see beyond that like she can. Then again, she doesn’t have to deal with the after effects of asking things we aren’t allowed to ask so maybe it doesn’t make sense to her how big a deal it is.

 

But what do I feel? I am sharing and aiding in all these emotions (and there’s more too), but what do I feel? What do I need? What would make today easier for me? I don’t know.