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I have a feeling we are going to sleep extremely well tonight. A LOT of energy was expended today. Too much if you ask me.

Joshua, who doesn’t speak (as though that explains anything), could not have come at a better time. His unique ability to slow the body down was much needed.

He’s such a sweet kid. He watches over us all, but Annie in particular. He has a way with her spastic ways and head banging and hand biting. He’s the only one she will allow to get close to her and even he is held at arm’s length a good deal of the time. He spends so much time caring for us, I’d love to see him get a chance at being cared for one of these days. He even stopped and bought me coffee on the way to work cuz he knew the body would crash if not caffeinated.

The body still has lingering energy, but for the most part it has stopped all it’s bobbing and weaving. I know I *should* go to bed, but…

Zoom!

It’s been a while since we have been this sped up. This is more than a little out of control. Music is making for rapid switching, all of us up and going a million miles an hour. I don’t know what to do about it. Normally this only really happens to this degree when forget or refuse to take meds for a few days. We took them. I swear we took them! More specifically we took the one that prevents this. This. Whatever this really is.

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Sped up and zooming!!! We can’t sit still to write and find out what is actually going on. I wonder if that is part of what is going on… maybe this mania is a tactic to keep us from journaling like I know i need to do since we can’t sit still and process long enough to do it.

This is how it starts

Manic like energy is coursing through me and I am having a hard time sitting still. Yes, I took the dumb meds. This is something beyond not taking the meds early enough. This is coming from inside and whatever it is wants attention.

 

Instinct is to not sit with these feelings, to distract my mind and hands, and try to get into another headspace… which tells me it is the exact opposite of what I should be doing. Thing is I have no idea what the opposite would be. I don’t know how to sit with the feelings of whatever is going on. And I’m worried if I try to. Yesterday is mostly a blur of missing chunks of time and I’m afraid the same will happen today, but today I have to work and I can’t lose track of that much time.

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Box open. Got a small reaction, but Evin is clearly unable to really see beyond where he thinks he is memory wise. He smiled and closed his eyes again saying it was too bright despite all the lights being off for him. He’s pretty deep there and very scared, but wasn’t twitching and shaking his head like he had been doing. I think something is going on with him now that he’s back inside, but I don’t know what it is exactly because the mouth is pursed and I can’t undo it and the body is armored like it was two weeks ago. I don’t feel the same body memories he left behind earlier either (which I’m very thankful for). I assume the clenched muscles are body memories in their own right though.

More Grover

I’m trying to wrap my head around the day and just can’t quite seem to do it. I feel like a messy jumble of emotions and thoughts that my instinct is to ignore and distract away from immediately… but I’m trying really hard to sit with the feelings and feel them instead. But I have to admit I am *just* beginning that endeavor because I have been avoiding heretofore.

Not working today really has thrown us off routine, as has not actually doing EMDR when we went assuming we would. And Evin coming forward in such a upset state hasn’t made any of this easier either when I had assumed I would be dealing with fall out from Kaynen instead. Kaynen, however, seems lost in the wind for the moment and I have to say I am a little disappointed because I could really use his strength and hardheadedness right now.

I feel lost and hurt and I assume that is Evin still being so close and wanting love and attention… and peace. I spent some time earlier trying to get him to see Super Grover coming and helping him, but Evin knows better than to think Super Grover will actually be able to fly him away. Super Grover is known for actually making more of a mess of the situation than actually helping. *But somehow in the mess he helps the person work through the problem themselves*, and I think that’s what Evin finds so endearing. He can screw up and still be helpful and supportive in his attempts. **And Evin can solve his own problems.**

Huh, I hadn’t ever put that together before. I always assumed it was because Grover is his alter ego kind of and Evin related to that.

Today’s lesson is to never assume.

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EMDR over (no actual EMDR done 😦 ) and trying to gain my footing some after we let Evin out mid memory and he left the body a twitchy yucky mess. I feel spent and done for the day. Like I could sleep the entirety of the rest of the day and not even notice that the day is still just beginning.

 

We have the instruction to open the stuffed Super Grover we bought Evin and allow Super Grover to fly him away from the memory he is stuck in (and has been since the wind on Sunday). I probably should have come home and done that straight away, but I was hungry and started making breakfast (late) and now he has faded far into the darkness inside and doesn’t really seem like he cares. I plan on trying just the same because I know it is the memory I feel that makes him feel like he doesn’t care, not him. It’s swallowing him. Whole.

 

In detailing the mess of the last week I mentioned Evin being so scared of the wind and having slipped into a memory and the EMDR lady asked about a time machine. Anyone ever used this idea before? Evin wasn’t interested, at all, but I wonder if Callan would be. The concept is to have whomever is stuck in the past get into an imagined time machine and have them transported back to 2019 with the ability to also go back to the past reserved. I like this idea and am a little disappointed Evin couldn’t make it apart of his current reality.

 

Anyway, Evin seemed more interested in Super Grover (obsessed much?) flying him out of the memory instead. Hence our needing to open that box and give it a shot.

Courage in many forms

Kaynen seems to be still asleep this morning which I admit I find annoying because I’d like very much to get to the bottom of his issues with EMDR. I do think it will take a conversation with the EMDR lady today to get him to understand we aren’t trying to hurt the system, but ultimately trying to help it despite how it feels to him.

He has calmed significantly over the last three days since brain function returned and Sydel started her quest to get my attention. It’s almost like those two are taking turns. But I think his stepping back some is more due to my finally not freaking out about all the extra hair dye going in my hair and allowing him to write some of it out so I can see exactly what it is that is upsetting him.

Thing is, I get why he’s upset. I do. He’s trying to do his job, is protecting us, and here we are doing something that he feels will compromise safety and his own well being- of course he is going to resist. And now that I get it, he seems less hell bent on trying to get his point across.

I do want to allow some time for him today in session to get his concerns heard and talked through. But since we don’t have to work after the session, it would also be nice to do some real EMDR too. If the mush sets in today it would be better tolerated… for today.

Kaynen, please note this: You can fear this process and still be courageous, still be you.

Get out!

Now that I’m feeling more lucid and not so foggy, I’m finding a backlog of overthinking that needs to be done in addition to all the therapy thinking that needs to be done. We’re really nervous.

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I have so much to say, it’s all in my head buzzing around and doing backflips, but I can’t get any of it out. I’ve been sitting staring at the screen for a while and my fingers just don’t move. Maybe it’s just a deep in thought thing, I don’t know. Suffice it to say I’ve run out of time for my morning coffee and only got through one cup, so I’m pretty disappointed. Only good news is, I will likely get to sleep a little longer tomorrow morning and it is desperately needed. 4 hours of sleep a night just isn’t enough.