My eyes are burning. The little tears are so much more than I can handle.
Today can go to hell. The emotional flashbacks still have not backed down and therapy didn’t help at all. That’s likely because therapy wasn’t therapy so much as more preparing to say goodbye.
One week left.
The plus is that at least Evin got the meds into us finally. We really needed to take them on time on a day like this.
Memories are lining up at the door in my mind. And so it begins.
Today’s session with the EMDR lady is a testament to why we are making this therapist change. Growing pains are normal, but ouch they hurt.
Evin went in grumpy and refusing to talk and came out a bit calmer having said quite a lot. He got all but maybe 5 minutes of the session.
Evin did such a good job. He told her most of his big dark reasons for feeling hopeless and as sad as he is. She shared a small bit of her life with him to show she did get his sorrow. He listened as she gave him an idea for how to help alleviate some of his pain and he had no problem telling her he didn’t like the idea (he usually holds on to that for a while and perseverates before saying he isn’t willing to try an idea). He told her he barely knows her. She didn’t try to convince him otherwise. She said she was looking forward to getting to know him if he would allow it.
And then she said something that made it through the entirety of the system- Evin told her he isn’t supposed to tell the secrets according to a certain group inside. She asked if he gets in trouble when he does. He nodded. She said she doesn’t want to hear the secrets from him until he has permission to share them.
Boom.
Mic drop.
That simple statement spread like a wildfire.
And the EMDR lady addressed LT who had written her a very brief letter about boundaries saying she would wait a week for the answer since it was Evin who needed attention today. She made a point of answering LT’s question anyway. Not a discussion, just a simple answer that can be expounded on next week. Small things.
Do you ever get to the point where you are so personally toxic and you don’t want to harm anyone so you stay quiet when it’s the exact thing that is so bad for you? Sitting in the mire this morning screaming obscenities at the world atop my mound of memories. Fuck off, they’re mine.
Sat here, journaled, and concluded I am going to have to live with the almost feels and almost got a grasp on it stuff because that’s actually all there is. Snippets of the different forms of memory, but nothing fully formed or all put together- just bits here and there. So body memories, it seems, will be a thing this week, as will the emotional memory of fear, and the visual image burned into the back of my eyeballs. None of this pleases me one bit, but to know that’s all there is for now is a peace bringing fact.
Doctor appointment went well enough. In the end there were no disapproving grunts or any extra comments about all the scars. I did, purposefully, start them off with the arm with less scars and not scabbed at the moment. We’ll see what happens next month.
Therapy was helpful in that we talked about the wedding and the extra triggers we hadn’t been prepared for. And Evin now has a foot back in this time period again. He had fully slipped into the memory and hadn’t been responding to any stimuli from this time period. He is now though and that is a huge relief.
One more hurdle. One more. We have a doctor’s appointment this morning. New insurance, new doctor. And we don’t know this guy. And don’t really want to if I’m honest. We feel fine, but we had been prescribed B12 shots by the previous neurologist and have been getting them for he last two years or so every month. This month’s is well overdue. I wouldn’t care about going to the doctor so much when nothing’s actually wrong with us right now, but I don’t know exactly what a establishing care with a new doctor will entail. And more specifically who will be administering the shot. And where.
It’s a source of anxiety because of all the scars on my upper arms. Old and new. I can’t talk my way out of them, can’t bullshit an excuse. Can’t blame the cat. The damage is far beyond that. It’s the initial reaction that we fear. The questions we don’t want to answer. The just leave us alone about it feels that we fear will not be honored.
The last office got used to them and said nothing. Just administered the shot and let us go on our way. It’s the known of what will happen with this office that scares us.
A moment of gratitude in an effort to get in control of this anxiety since I’m sinking fast.
This morning I’m grateful for:
—My dog playfully running and barking along the fence at the dogs on the other side who are paying her no attention, but she thinks they are.
—Brief moments of clarity.
—Pandora!!
—Coffee tasting good even when too cold
—Friends being friends and loving me even when I don’t see it as such
—My favorite pen that is soon to run out of ink
—Postcards that mean the world to me and the ability to share them
—Purple velour capes!
Look Closer: DID and SH 