Do you ever…?

Do you ever have those days where you can feel a switch on the edge of your awareness, you are ok with it, have the time, actually want the break, and for some reason the switch never comes/happens so you sit there feeling twitchy and expectant and trying to hold off things you should get up to do in case you do switch because you aren’t entirely sure who it is and want the activity being done when you switch to be age appropriate, but the switch just won’t come? Yeah, now.

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This morning is full of others just out of reach of the front, but the body reacting as though it wants to switch. My head is loud and twitchy and I can’t help but continuously reaching up to hold my head as though it will roll off if I don’t.

Oh

This is the second day in a row I’ve been plagued with horrible anxiety just because I’m alive.  Or so it feels.  Nothing has happened to cause anxiety at this level- nothing.  And yet the anxiety is there.  And not just anxiety, but nervousness too.  So shaky for two reasons, not just one.

DBT restarts today and new people will be in the class- that is proving to make us nervous.  We don’t know them.  They don’t know us.  And yet we are embarking on a journey together.

It isn’t helping that I am feeling rather switchy and I’m a little afraid someone besides me, and who is evident as not me, will make themselves at home in the group.  I want the others inside to go, no doubt, but this may not be the best week for it.

And then the flipside of that coin is just wanting to let it all hang out and let everyone see and stop hiding- specifically the DBT instructors.  Maybe it’s time… we won’t even be able to finish DBT so what are we waiting for?  We do we care?

Bloody hell, maybe I found the cause of the anxiety after all.

Switchy

Switchiness is going to be a thing here whether I like it or not. There are too many emotions and others are better equipped to handle them. It is likely easier to just step aside and let the switches happen and hope for the best, but instinct is always to hold them in. Keep them hidden. Keep them from the front. Why? They are here for a reason. No one sees them for them anyway, just me being moody- so why not allow them to be seen fully? Why exert the energy to stay in the front when it hurts to do so? I don’t have a good answer for that one.

Moody Tuesday

Tuesday. Day before the AIM conference vacation begins. We are wide awake after having gone to bed quite early and very hyper and switchy. We have a list of things to do, but are paralyzed from doing any of them based on all wanting to do our own actions first.

Evin is, well, brooding and sullen. The flashback seems to be slowing ever so slightly, but I can’t tell if that is a good thing or not. It was on rapid repeat and now it just repeats. Last night just before falling asleep, Randy picked him up and carried him to the safe place inside- all of us hoping that would help him calm some. It seems to have worked at least a little.

Kiddo, who hasn’t been very happy lately, is bouncy and wide eyed. The idea of getting to go to an amusement park has her being the kid she is meant to be. She’s chatty, but unlike before, also reserved and looking at us all with a sense of this isn’t quite right.

Kaynen is MIA for now, but I saw him around at some point yesterday, grouchy. There is no DBT this week because of vacation and potentially none next week if they get through all the material this week and so for him that danger is on hold. The T said yesterday he seems triggered by something there. Ya think? Yeah. No kidding.

The rest of us are just trying to keep it together enough to go to work and be ok/stay in one piece. The dark group has been laughing and hurting us while not even upset in a show of power while we are down. I’m done with that!