Back to a grey morning after a sunshiny bright day yesterday. The good mood we’ve been stoking is still in effect at this point despite our trying to figure out a goodbye card for the T. Two appointments left and we are finally beginning to accept that this is really happening. Two appointments.
We’re sad, but maybe not in the same way we were when we decided to do this. The sadness now is that the T won’t get to finish the “story”, that he won’t see the “end”. He said Monday there really isn’t an end and I agree with that, but he won’t get to see the completion of the memories, the memories “lying flat”, the ultimate cooperation, the demise of the self harm tendencies, the … “end”.
We may always need maintenance therapy. But it won’t be like it is now and it won’t be due to the huge struggles we have been facing for so long. Not even close. I assume that at some point we will be able to cut back on therapy, not the increase we have going on now.
And the T won’t be there for any of it. He said we can come see him anytime. We can call and check in or schedule a visit… but it isn’t the same. It isn’t how we always pictured it. We have dreaded for years the goodbye that we knew would eventually come, but we never assumed it would be because we had decided to leave. We always assumed it would be a result of his retiring and no longer being available.
But, too. there is excitement in this. Excitement we didn’t anticipate – coming from more than just young parts. LT, having finally talked to the EMDR lady on Thursday, is ready to join and help in therapy again. She had rather unceremoniously stepped back from the T and therapy a while back. LT, who is vital to forward movement, wasn’t engaging. And though I noticed, I didn’t really see how much it mattered. And now that I see her moving and trying to organize and engage again, I feel the forward movement ramping back up and truthfully it warms me. Makes my heart go pitter patter. This is a good thing.
It can hurt and still be right.
Look Closer: DID and SH 