The red muck in my head that has been set to spin since yesterday turned itself off and is beginning to settle, but whatever is there is just out of my reach. I can feel the emotional draining and desire to weep, but I’m not sure why I feel that way. There is a deep sense of violation and sadness settling over my body and I am trying to combat the natural reaction from inside to want to harm to control the pain already.
I’ve got music going, paid some bills, and am using the top shelf of my recent coping skills. I’m trying to figure out what to do with my hands and have several options available within reach.
Still the heavy sadness washes over me and sits like an anvil on my soul. I think I am avoiding looking at why I am feeling this way if I’m honest. LT is whispering to me to just trust and open my eyes to it and see what is sitting there. But I’m scared. It feels too big, too intense, too dense to lift on my own. And LT, again, says to trust that the others will help.
But I want control. I want to stay front and know what will happen next and make sure we stay safe. Again with the whispering from inside- ” trust”. *sigh* I suck at this.
Look Closer: DID and SH 